2012 Candidates

Rush Limbaugh - President

Glen Beck - Vice President

Sean Hannity - Secretary of State

POLITICIANS AND TV

Our lives are altered forever. We are in a new permanent reality...... OH REALLY!

America will never be great again, we are going the way of Japan, we are worse off than Greece, our banks are all bankrupt, no hope for years to come, our states are bankrupt......OH REALLY!

No jobs no hope, our national debt will never be paid off.....OH REALLY!

We are doomed unless we extend the tax breaks.....OH REALLY!

Only the democrat left wing can save us, only the republican right wing can save us, then only the tea party can save us..... OH REALLY!

I Wonder

Will my cable bill grow as high as my mortgage payment???

Everybody, Somebody, and Nobody

Everybody is waiting for somebody to do something, so nobody does anything.

Nobody knows what is in the health care bill...

Nobody knows what the tea party is going to do...

Nobody knows what the democrats are going to do...

Nobody knows what the republicans are going to do...

Nobody knows what they are going to do about jobs...

Nobody knows what they are going to do about immigration...

Nobody knows what the congress and senate are going to do...

So everybody waits to see what is right.

Tax Breaks for the Wealthiest Americans

Let one half of the tax breaks expire...

then keep the other half.

Then cut out the political B.S. for power...

WONT HURT NO ONE OR ANYTHING

Cut Medicare 1/2 of 1%

Cut Medical Drug Bill under Bush 1/2 of 1%

Cut Social Security on everyone 1/2 of 1%

Cut High Rent Government Buildings 1/2 of 1%

Cut All Big Promised Retirement 1/2 of 1%

Cut Fraud 1/2 of 1%

Cut Greed 1/2 of 1%

Cut Defense Costs 1/2 of 1%

Cut Stealing 1/2 of 1%

Cut All other Government Waste 1/2 of 1%

Cut 1/2 of 1% of Unemployment Benefits

Cut 1/2 of 1% of Administration Staff

DO IT NOW !!!

CIALIS

If you take Cialis and have an erection that lasts more than four hours like the advertisement says... you might be so sore you can't even walk...don't just call your doctor...call 911 immediately and have their emergency vehicle pick up the doctor and rush him to you.

Customer Service

You have to be a robot to get anyone on the phone anymore !!

Leaving Coffee Shop

My wife said... "Don't leave until I find my keys", as she searched in her purse. I saw them in her hand and let her know... she said "Oh"!

Money, Money, Money

You come home, drive into the garage...

Go in the front door and can't get in

There is a whole pile of money in the way

So you grab a big shovel to shovel yourself into the living room

But the living room is so full of money you shovel and shovel your way into the kitchen so you can eat

Then you shovel your ass off so you can get into the bathroom

Then you shovel your way into the bedroom

Then you shovel your way back to the garage

Then you are on your way to make more money!!

A GUY ONCE SAID...

A guy once said..."He's wearing an expensive watch, he can't sit still, and he likes to gamble...he must be a "Pisser-Awayer" !"

BURIED

If everyone has you buried in your "financial casket", lift the lid up, hop out and surprise the hell out of everyone.

Retirement

If you retire and take a one "lump" payment in cash, and retire to the sandy beaches, you can grow a big "lump" on your belly !!!

Coffee Shop

I wonder if they are going to wait on me, or are they in the back having sex.

More Politics

Racism is not the issue, it's Poorism vs Richism !!

POLITICS

What is this shit that we can't balance the budget and have millions of new jobs at the same time. Those in the senate and congress that believe that horseshit should resign immediately, and let new people take over and do it and solve the problems.

TIGER WOODS

Tiger is addicted to Golf not sex, if he gives up his sex life he might not be able to hit the ball 50 yards... so leave him alone.

Diet

Divide the pie into unequal pieces at a family party-then select your future weight gain.

Attention Young People

Las Vegas is a great place for you to train for FAILURE!

HIRE YOUR BUDDY

The "hire your buddy" system is not working in the government nor private enterprise... the Janitor should be the President, and the President should be the Janitor!

Coming Home

Your wife has a headache

Your washer goes out

You lost your checkbook

You forget your office key

You slip on ice

and you have a sore throat...

Your best bet is to enjoy the hell out of it!!

Vacation

If you go on a 2 week vacation and drive from San Francisco to Florida with your friends, and they are all constipated, and you're not...YOU ARE IN SERIOUS TROUBLE!!

CABLE TV

YOU BUY THE TV
YOU PAY FOR THE ELECTRICITY
YOU THEN PAY FOR MONTHLY TV

I STARTED FOR $7.75 PER MONTH BECAUSE THEY PROMISED ME THERE WOULD BE NO ADVERTISING

NOW THEY HAVE RAISED ME TO $60.00 PER MONTH AND MORE THAN 1/2 OF THE PROGRAMMING IS ADVERTISEMENTS

THEN IF I FALL ASLEEP THEY TURN UP THE VOLUME WITHOUT MY PERMISSION EVERY TIME AN ADVERTISEMENT COMES ON... A NOISY NIGHTMARE!!

THEN THE CABLE COMPANY ADVERTISES BACK TO ME AND TRYS TO SELL ME STUFF

Vintage

Written to Matthew, Benny, and Aaron when Grandpa was babysitting them

Napkin Quote on Valentine's Day

If you want to fight somebody, look at yourself in the mirror and slap yourself silly.